Mr Habib,
Thank you for emailing the facilities department. While you are not an employee, we still strive to meet your facilities needs and answer your questions. To that end, please find below my response to your several emails over the past few days.
In response to your question, I’m afraid I don’t know if we have a more uncomfortable chair than the one provided. I assume this was meant ironically, however, and I assure you that the company took great pains to choose the most ergonomic and cost-efficient chairs on the market. We did not, as you suggest, go on an extended dumpster-diving spree behind a shop class for aspiring-but-talentless postmodern sculptors. If you chair continues to give you problems I recommend that you submit a request through the manager that holds your contract. Please do not cc: me.
Along the same lines, I’m happy to inform you that I did some research and the cubicles in your building were not designed by a long-surviving underground sect of the Spanish Inquisition. Actually I’m not sure that even makes sense. If your cubicle arrangement is impacting your work (which would presumably be what you do in the meager minutes between emails to me), please discuss it with the holder of your contract. Please do not cc: me.
Furthermore, while I am not an expert, I don’t believe that the odor from the community kitchen in your building is actually the “toxic exhalations of a thousand indescribable hellspawn vomited up from the abyss,” and will therefore not be requisitioning a mass exorcism as you requested. If your officemates’ food odor is repellent, I recommend avoiding that area of the building at lunchtimes, or discussing the situation with the holder of your contract. Please do not cc: me.
Finally, I think it is unlikely that the facilities employee assigned to your building is a part of a conspiracy against you. While it is inconvenient that she must close the restroom when she cleans and restocks it, and while it is certainly awkward for her to have to knock and yell to ascertain whether the men’s room is occupied before she enters, it is unlikely that she is planning her workday around your restroom habits. Also as we are a publicly-traded company and given the economic climate, a full-time bathroom attendant is not a likely addition to the staff.
If you have any follow-up questions or further requests, I must refer you to the holder of your contract.
Please do not cc: me.
Sincerely,



